Cristiano Ronaldo is in a good mood. Yeah, the Mill know what you are about to say. Look at how he acts on the pitch for goodness sake! Thumping his fists on the ground! Throwing his eyes to the heavens! Stamping his feet like a teenager who has been told that the chances of them going out on a school night are the same as those of David Cameron coming away from that chinwag with his underwear clean. But back to Ronaldo. Today he is especially happy. He’s walking around the bowels of the Bernabéu, enquiring how people’s days are going, laughing at the cleaners’ bad jokes and whistling Summer Holiday. Of course, Ronaldo didn’t pick that tune by accident. He really is going on a summer holiday. As soon as the season is over, he’ll do a week in Ibiza with the boys, a week in Madeira with his mum and sister and finish it all off with a few days in the Aran Islands studying the remains of the Bronze Age and Iron Age settlements. But back to Ronaldo and his happiness. He is particularly chirpy today because he has taken Embrace’s advice and decided to go back to what he knows, yes, Manchester United. It will cost the Glazers an eye-popping £80m but if it means they won’t have to have those protracted, platitudinous phone conversations with your man Van Gaal – Louis is the long-talker to beat all long-talkers – then it’ll be worth it.
José Mourinho has been sitting in his favourite chair – it’s a brown leather one made in Denmark in the the late 1960s with a low back and wide armrests – and thinking. Thinking about where the universe ends, thinking about what would happen if he was kidnapped by aliens and they asked him to build a fridge and thinking about where his Chelsea squad needs to be improved. Said thinking has led him to believe that said squad are dangerously underweight when it comes to midfielders. After Cesc Fàbregas, Oscar, Eden Hazard and Juan Cuadrado, there is only Willian, Nemanja Matic, Ramires and John Obi Mikel. Dangerously underweight doesn’t quite do it justice. Poor José, having to work under these circumstances, he really is a saint. With his thinking done, he has taken off for a visit to Richie Roman to see if he’ll give him the £36m he needs to take André Gomes from Valencia. Los Murciélagos will go batty when they see how many zeros are on the over-sized novelty cheque and immediately shake hands on a deal and though Gomes will be sad to leave Valencia, a place on Chelsea’s bench has always been his dream.
Ronaldo ain’t the only one strutting around with a smile on his face. Arsène Wenger is too. But why? Well that’s because he has finally summoned up the courage to tell Theo Walcott what he really thinks about him and where he can shove the new contract he wants. But weep not, dear fans of Arsenal and call not for your manager’s head, for the Professor has a cunning plan to replace the dearly beloved Walcott. He has heard about this player that no one else has heard about called Marco Reus and apparently your man Reus is dead good with the ball and dead good at scoring goals and dead good with beating people and he is going to sign him as replacement. That should be one in the eye followed by a swift one between the legs for all those haters out there who thought Wenger didn’t know his way around the transfer market any more, eh?
Finally to Tottenham who really are a greedy lot. Not happy with just one dudSpanish forward who couldn’t hit a barn door with a tank from 10m away in their squad, they are about to sign another dud Spanish forward who couldn’t hit a barn door with a tank from 10m away. The version comes in the shape of Fernando Llorente but he’ll only become an ironic cult star on the Tottenham terraces should Juventus manage to convince Palermo that they are betting off selling Paulo Dybala to them rather than Arsenal or Manchester United. Good luck with that one Juve!
The Guardian
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